HIV and the world of dating

Submitted by Elizabeth Kiago (ekiago) about 9 months ago

The Advert read: “Christie*, HIV +, single, 28 years. Looking for a single man, 30-45, from Europe, America. Tall, financially stable, no kids, God fearing, same status. No flashers, scammers. Call or sms 23 xxx xxx*.

This is similar to may personal ads featured in several dailies and internet sites around the world. The most striking aspects of several daily journals or newspapers surveyed such as those in the Saturday Nation of Kenya and 'pozpersonals' were these statements : a. ”same status” b. “financially stable” c. “no scammers”.

Various questions crossed my mind on these statements.

Status. Why must the person sought be of the same status? Is it so hard to date/find one of dissimilar status? I searched to have this question answered and Derrick* (who had placed just such an advert) confirmed that “it is better to share the same status as it is easier to be understood. Also I need not panic about telling her my positive status.” Mark*, a similar person who'd placed an advert, points out he is on the personal ad sites because his HIV negative wife is not comfortable with his positive status and he would prefer a positive partner.

Financially stable. It implies no one wants a lazy or dependent partner. This was a common phrase in most ladies ads. The men who placed ads did not always qualify the financial suitability of their proposed partner. However a few stated that she should be financially stable or a professional. Gordon is rich and successful and HIV positive. He does not hide this from his dates whether they are HIV positive or negative. However, he is quite disappointed to let me know that almost all the women he has dated and especially the HIV negative ones always quickly ask for some sort of financial assistance as soon as they start dating. It usually is couched as rent distress, fuel, household items, or unpaid utility bills. He feels used by these women. He asks “is he that dispensable?”

On the other hand Nancy* will not date a “poor” man. This she says this is because her HIV + status is not easy to manage, what with her lowly paying job and inadequate insurance. Therefore why not find a rich man? I asked her if she would date a HIV negative man. She responded that yes she would, but would have to let him go if he insisted on a HIV test. Would she have sex without a condom? She replied “Not at all. The thought of infecting another would be against the law and it scares me deeply.”

No scammers. The five personal ad placements I spoke to all concurred that this is indeed a very big problem. Each one had an experience to share. All my respondents explained that scammers assumed that HIV + individuals must be gullible! Secondly they imagined that their loneliness and search for a partner meant that their guard was down and they would fall for any scheme in the hope of finding love!

Far from it. John has fallen prey to a lady scammer who sought his help in securing funds to treat her sick mother in hospital, so too had Kate* who sent a man she met on a dating site money to help release his said "supposed" impounded goods from customs. None of them ever had from their dates again once they had received the money.

Can that soul mate, partner, date be found among similar HIV positive persons? Can discordance in couples work? Various articles in The Body, Poz Personals and even Healthdev.net highlight that in a climate of mutual respect, understanding and knowledge of HIV prevention and control, and how to live in discordance, a couple sharing similar HIV + status or dissimilar HIV status can thrive and succeed. The success stories out there prove this.

The issue is wide and varied and quite emotive. Concern, real belief in seeing the good in another can go a long way in finding that partner whether he or she be HIV positive or negative.

* names changed to protect their privacy

Keywords: ads advert dating discordance HIV kenya newspaper relationships

Kenya 0 comments Mail a friend Edit